7 Days of Hope – Day 6
by Dr Veerle Van Tricht MD
I bet this will shock some of you…
I was in a Dr Phil Show 2 years ago in Hollywood.
It was so much fun. That was when I got my Best Selling Author Award for ‘Success Starts Today‘, co-written with Jack Canfield.
“Why is she bringing up Dr Phil?”, I hear some of you ask.
Dr Phil is the most popular relationship doctor on American TV. He is best mates with Oprah too.
AND…we need to talk to you about relationships – not that I am a relationship expert but I have done many courses as a Life Coach AND I have had a few partners myself:
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (you know what I mean?!)
Now, it is particularly hard for people who are living in lockdown with a partner , especially if you are living in a small space so cannot avoid each other. I can imagine that a lot of problems will come to the surface because there is no running away from them at the moment. You are not alone.
There was a brief moment, in the past, that I lived with an abusive partner.
BUT I only let a violent act (he threw my laptop in my face), happen once before he got picked up by the police.
I don’t tolerate ANY ABUSE to myself or my children.
I know that it can be hard to be stuck indoors with someone for a long time but try to remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place and try to find that spark again.
♥ Talk about your memories,
♥ When you were younger,
♥ Before you had kids,
♥ What did you used to do?
♥ Look at old photos,
♥ Laugh together,
♥ Watch old movies together and
♥ Think about the good things in your life before we had the lockdown.
♥ You can also plan what you would like to do when we are free to move around again.
♥ Make a list of your 10 favourite destinations for instance.
I know that your time is precious so I would like to share with you 3 tools which you may find useful during lockdown but also for the rest of your life:
- People who do not like or love themselves (there are lots of us out there), cannot accept love from another person. So you might sabotage relationships and push away people who are good to you . Some people choose to be in an abusive relationship because it makes them feel more comfortable. This may be a hard truth for some of you but now you have the time to think about it. If you decide that you want to get out of a relationship, there are people who can help you.
- How to be present in a relationship with another person. You really need to love yourself first ! Unfortunately I know that there is a lot of self-doubt in some of you ( you know I am talking to YOU!). You look for appreciation in others. You only like yourself if others like you. This is a normal teenage phenomena which happens – BUT when you are an adult, you MUST realise that you cannot change how people feel about you. So you should not be untrue to yourself. Lying or “faking it” will make you very unhappy inside. This will come back to bite you with a vengeance in the future as you can’t play being someone you are not … FOR EVER !!!!!!!!! You need to look inside yourself and ask: ‘Who am I?’. We all have good and bad parts and it is hard sometimes to look at the bad parts. Start by writing down 10 things you like about yourself. Ask your family to tell each other 10 things they like about each other. If that is too hard, start with just 1, 2, or 3 things. Only positive things, no criticism.
Then, if you are brave, write down what you don’t like about yourself, or the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see. Often they are things that when someone mentions them you get angry and tell them that is not true. If you get really upset about what other people say about you, I advise that you don’t react but take a moment to think about it. They might be completely wrong but think to yourself, why is this so upsetting to me ? Is there a hint of truth in what they say? They may be giving you a gift to see inside yourself. This is an opportunity for you to discover your dark or hidden side which you don’t want to see. This is a valuable exercise as once you accept that part of yourself you can say, ‘I will feed the white wolf but not the black wolf ’!!! This is a very powerful exercise for self-discovery and self-mastery. No need to dwell on it too much. When someone says something which you think is ridiculous you just say:” Ridiculosa!”, or “that is a silly thing to say!” Then brush it away. However if the negative comment triggers anger in you, then there is something there that is worth investigating.
- My last tool is a wonderful routine. One person sits in a chair and their partner walks around them touching the sitting person kindly and gently saying all the things they like about them. It can be silly things like a wrinkle on top of your nose, or they like the noise you make when you are asleep. After 5 or 10 minutes you swap places and the other person sits while their partner walks around them. Make a big balloon of positive words to give to each other. It is like an energetic exchange of love which I call ‘The Love Shower’ and you can rekindle the love you felt for each other when you first got together.
I have blog posts about love on my website https://burnoutexpert.co.uk/ including one for single people: ‘How to find your Prince Charming without kissing too many frogs.’
See you love birds in day 7,
Much love and sunshine from Dr V
Contact me by email firstname.lastname@example.org for one to one coaching. Or for a 15 minute complementary call.
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